OLD AGE? WE'D BETTER START IT YOUNG!

by Shirley Ann Parker

Most of us hope to be liked and respected when we are old. Most of us want to think people will say nice things about us then. Yet will we be pleasant enough to deserve those reactions? Or will we find ourselves among the many cognizant older folks who have negative attitudes, even when they are relatively pain-free and have the necessities of life?

It is often easier not to think about what might lie ahead. Yet unless we stop and look at our probable futures, we will arrive at our destinations unprepared. To do this, we must first face the reality that life is not fair. Many people fall victim to the inequalities in the world. These are legion, so I will mention only a few:

• sheer bad luck with one calamity following another;

• being female or a minority in any society that mistreats you;

• falling through the holes in this country's social safety nets;

• losing health insurance with no government program to fill the gap;

• being denied workmen’s compensation for job-related illnesses and injuries;

• having children who turn out to be dismal failures or even criminals;

• being robbed of a life’s savings by white collar criminals who get away with it.

Outside of those issues, which often can and do hit innocent people at random, it can also be our own actions (or their lack) that get us into whatever predicament we land in.

Betrayal, disgust over deteriorating social mores, political chicanery or other tragic reversals can make vinegar of the sunniest of Pollyannas, and justifiably so. Some cranky dispositions encountered among those reaching senior citizen status can be blamed on a disappointing retirement outlook or on the onset of senility. But not all. Nor can crabbiness be supposed the natural result of greater susceptibility to illness and injuries. (While serious aches and pains are immensely distressing, they are not just a liability of old age.) Quite often, lack of foresight or earlier foolish decisions made (by oneself or a spouse) cause some of the unhappiness in older citizens.

It is unlikely that we can forever cheat the major illnesses that debilitate. Neither can we hold back the normal effects of aging, nor do much more than protest vehemently when Congress unfeelingly cuts social programs or makes promises it has no intention of keeping. But since today we pay for decisions made yesterday, we can also start planning now to be old. The following aspects of our lives can be pondered.

First, persistent refusal to eat anything but junk food over the years, and/or indulgence in cigarettes or alcoholic beverages, destroys mind and body far earlier than nature intended. An individual’s family must then bear the physical, emotional and financial burden of expensive around-the-clock care, either at home or in an often low-quality nursing home.

Right now, our small group of relatives suffers acutely under the strain of coping with one individual’s stubborn mother who has driven herself into premature debility and senility by foolish health practices over many years. Unwilling to find out the facts first, lower-echelon hospital officials recently attacked her husband for starving her, an outrageous accusation, since the woman repeatedly refuses to eat, no matter what is put in front of her.

He still loves his wife too much to fix the blame where it belongs and did not defend himself very well to officials. He is now forced to have someone with her practically 24 hours a day, under threat of being sent to jail, if he leaves her alone for more than fifteen minutes. None of this has made any difference in her eating habits!

Second, rest and recreation are probably most overlooked by the working-class and middle-class who are approaching middle age. Short of money though many of us are from raising a family and helping out our parents, we must use some of our income to provide escape for ourselves. It doesn't need to be exotic or even expensive but such enjoyment is more important than buying name brand clothing for our children, for example. (Besides, you teenagers should be earning your own clothing money if you cannot exist without someone else’s name across your hips!)

Third, financial problems bedevil some of the elderly, as they do all age groups. At all stages of life, we need minimal insurance for health, life, fire and auto, but why be over-insured? Too, everyone needs a small savings account for short-term goals, and another for long-term. Admittedly, saving anything is disheartening because (1) any interest earned is immediately taxable and (2) unexpected bills can wipe out our nest egg. Still, if we had not built that fund, we would be worse off.

Related to this subject is the conviction that both men and women should obtain as much formal and informal education as possible. Updated skills are always useful. And if we stop learning about our world, we gullible, greedy younger people easily become gullible, bitter older people. Exercise of the mind is the greatest antidote to losing mental acuity.

Another concern for our elderly (that is, for our future selves) is social difficulties:  they may lack transportation or may have been denied a driver’s license because of diminished faculties; they may have children too busy or too far away to help them, or children angry over past family disagreements. On the other hand, there may be no children, no nieces or nephews.

We must face the painful fact that not only can we not always rely on our children in the future, they may even try in various ways to harm us. If they do help us, we can rejoice, but today’s society does not feel the same sense of responsibility for parents as did previous generations. We should have a network of friends and associates to whom we can also turn. But building these friendships takes years of genuine caring, in advance. Of course, they may precede us in illness, even death. It is never too late to be a friend to someone new, but it is a rare gift for that someone to add perhaps a heavy load to their existing cares. Still, each individual is unique in that regard.

We must develop hobbies at the earliest opportunity, or join associations of people with similar interests, to prevent isolation and loneliness. Learning to use our time alone creatively will bring out hidden talents or strengths. Additionally, if those relatives we expect to visit us, do not do so, the greater loss will be to them.

Church activity fills a void for many but none of us can expect others of our own faith to fill all of our needs. Besides, if we restrict our acquaintances to such a narrow group, we will miss many of the rewarding experiences the world has to offer.

Nowadays, a major worry is crime. In those rural areas which have experienced rapid growth, older people still have a rural mentality; they resist both adaptation to the changes brought by increasing urbanization and recognition of stresses and social rules of crowded living.

Our former, small-town neighborhood was terrorized for over a year by teenage intruders while the police seemed incapable of identifying them. Yet I had naive neighbors who refused to install strong locks, still others who thought me paranoid because I locked my doors and windows in the day­time. Apparently, city dwellers are more likely to take steps to try to protect themselves. 

During our preparations to meet old age, we must also become self-reliant. A whining adult is no more attractive than a whining child.  At the same time, we must recognize that sometimes we will have to accept help graciously, and not be insulted at every imagined slight to our independence.

We must pay attention to where we are living now, its advantages and disadvantages. If we stay, can we get to the store safely? What if the store were torn down? Can we get to the Golden Hours Center to be with other people?  Will we want to? Or will we sit home and sulk as my Great Auntie Mary does?

Great Auntie Mary sits in her house, waiting to die. She is not poor and her mind is still sharp, yet she refuses to read. She has got rid of her television and rarely turns on her ancient radio. She cannot be bothered to write letters or send cards, even when her niece and nephew provide stationery and stamps. She refuses to wear her hearing aid when relatives visit, and complains loudly every time because they do not stay longer or visit more often.

Dreams die, noblest ambitions falter, tragedy spears us, betrayal destroys at least temporarily our faith in humanity and in God. Disillusionment sets in early in life sometimes. That does not give us the right, at any age, to vent our rage and frustration on those who are not responsible for our suffering. At the same time, we must be extraordinarily careful about where we do assign blame. Often it doesn't belong anywhere near those we consider guilty or in a past situation where we think it does.

If we dare not express our anger at those who are at fault, then instead we can keep working for our civil rights or those of others, we can chop logs, or we can throw old china at the back fence with great enthusiasm.  But also, we must salvage what we can of our crumbled castle walls and achieve whatever goals we may. If we have none left, we must set aside our cynicism and establish new ones, even if sorrow limits today’s goal to “I will smile at one friendly and one grouchy person that I meet."

Perhaps we will die tomorrow and not have to worry about old age. But we cannot count on that! I, for one, hope not to be one of the unhappy old people I encounter so often in my life, unhappy because they did not plan to be old.

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© 1984, 2002 Shirley Ann Parker. All Rights Reserved.

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