Easier said than done?

         How many of us haven’t had to give up hobbies, cancel vacation plans, or postpone pursuit of goals because of job or family responsibilities, an accident, or a financial setback?  Even more often, though, the frustration is likely to be the result of letting everyday chores, unnecessary “busy work,” or the opinion of others get in our way, or of letting unnoticed expenses drain our bank accounts.

         Standing in the check-out line at the drug store, Jolene, a harried young mother, was riffling the pages of a crafts magazine when the gray-haired woman behind her spoke up.  “You look so wistful, honey.”

         Jolene quickly rescued the magazine from the grasp of her two-year-old, who let out a howl.

         “Oh, it’s all this neat stuff!--Mandy, hush now!--I don’t have time for projects nowadays,” she said.

          “You can make the time...can't you?”

           Jolene groaned.  “Don’t I wish!  Working full-time!  And with my husband and the baby!”

           But the woman cheerfully insisted.  “You can do it.  You can give up something else.”

           Jolene shook her head.  “There’s dinner, and dishes, and laundry and cleaning.”

           The older woman paused, then said, “Well, I know better than to tell you to ask your husband to help out. So many of them won’t.”

            “You can say that again!  And it isn’t because he doesn’t know how!”  Jolene started to unload her purchases on to the counter.

            “Could you squeak by if you only worked part-time?”

            “I think so, but he likes the extra money.”

            “Now that’s a problem!”  She was silent for a moment.  “We were tied to our jobs for years.  Then my husband got sick....”

            “And now you can’t go anywhere?” guessed Jolene.

            “Right.  Or do anything much. Even if he weren’t sick—inflation—we waited too long, that’s all there is to it.”

            Later, Jolene’s thoughts returned to that unexpected conversation.  She couldn’t convince her husband to help with the chores or to let her work only part-time, but now, while he lies in front of the television after dinner, she rinses the dishes to put in the dishwasher, then relaxes, too.  As soon as Mandy is in bed, Jolene does macramé, or studies books on ceramics and weaving, interests she had given up when she got married because her husband thought they were a waste of time and money.  She also has an answer ready in the event he starts complaining about the untidy apartment.

             Not reaching desired goals because we feel the need to take life easy for a while is one thing. Not following ambitions because something or someone else blocks our path is quite another.  An ant is not often forced to be a grasshopper, after all.  But in today’s world, he or she is frequently coerced into being the wrong species of ant.

            Could it be time for us to set aside those “needs” that have cluttered center stage long enough in our lives?  Sometimes we can stubbornly say, “Enough!  No more free repairs for anyone else this summer,” or “We’re not subscribing to any more magazines that we aren’t going to read!”  In other cases, like Jolene, we may need to be prodded into making changes, into overcoming roadblocks.

            Women without children often have problems equally as frustrating as Jolene’s.  Nancy, a career woman in her thirties, had often been stymied over flying from Los Angeles to New York to see her family:  The timing of available vacation slots conflicted with night school classes related to her job. Her services were also in demand as a church volunteer; and a married sister nearby often relied on her as a last-minute babysitter.

            Finally, in annoyed desperation, Nancy looked at the upcoming two-week break in her schooling, told her boss an emergency had come up back home, and made airline reservations before anyone could find something else for her to do.  The visit included two days with her grandmother.  A couple of months later, when her grandma died, Nancy felt good because she had done what she wanted to do.

            This is not to say we should feel guilty if we failed to accomplish such a trip “in time.”  Each situation is unique and impossibility sometimes wins out.  If Nancy had not found a way to pay for the tickets, she would not have been able to take the trip, no matter how much she wanted it.  Nothing is more destructive than accepting unwarranted guilt placed on us by others.

            Sometimes it is a lack of money, as much as lack of time, that makes people hesitate to do what they really want to do.  We suffer through years of frustration at not being able to purchase an item that, while not falling into the realm of fantasy, still will not fit in our budget.  David and Susan, owners of a fine new stereo system, recently commented, “We always said if we wait till we can actually afford to buy it, we’ll never get it.”

            Perhaps feeling that some of us who heard the comment were silently accusing them of being foolish, David added, “Hey, don’t get us wrong!  If we eat out nowadays, it’s at McDonald’s, not The Fireside Inn, but it’s worth it.”

            Added Susan, “To us, beautiful music just isn’t beautiful on cheap, tacky equipment.”

            Maybe the decision we need to make involves an activity largely unrelated to our present lifestyle or one that would alter the way we live.  In this case, fear of what others may say or of what the future may hold is often the obstruction.  Keeping in mind our responsibility to our family, does it really matter if we do not become the most valuable employee, or the boss?  What do we have invested in the pension plan that goes with the hated job? Is it really important to be accepted into a possibly clique-y fraternal organization or auxiliary?  Few people will care while we are alive, and even less will remember after we are dead.  It is natural to want to feel important and worthwhile but our other yearnings could bring us the same or greater satisfaction. 

            What else could we be doing with our time?  While almost no one has the right to abandon those dependent on us for food, clothing and shelter, any additional, selfish demands on their part can choke off our development.  Conversely, too many outside pressures can disrupt the normal closeness of a family, if not squelched at the source.   Finding the right balance is a lifelong juggling skill.

            If we are secretly unhappy, or openly so, we should start making plans for at least improving our situation, if the actual change is beyond us at this time.  We can write letters to obtain information.  We can open the savings account.  We can track down the high school friend with whom we once shared dreams, until marriage pulled us apart.  The time and money for undertakings like these can be found, even if it’s in installments.

            With any luck, our homes and yards will not become the eyesores of the neighborhood as we pursue revived interests or new freedoms, but they will survive a few extra days without maintenance or new plantings.  Dirt damages paint and fabric, but we can leave a car unwashed just this once, the carpet not vacuumed today.  Spoiled Mama or lonesome mother-in-law really can wait a couple more days for her thrice-monthly letter, even if it precipitates a scolding long-distance phone call or e-mail from her the first few times the letter is a day and a half late.

            The nineteenth century poet John Greenleaf Whittier wrote:

                        For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

                       The saddest are these:  “It might have been!”

             Too often we find ourselves, or think ourselves, hemmed in by past decisions.  We convince ourselves or allow others to convince us that we now cannot do those things we always wanted to try.  There is no time; there is no money.

            As one who completed my bachelor’s degree at the age of 41, I know that the “path not taken” is often only on the other side of trees and bushes.  We can find a narrow footpath, even a rabbit tunnel through the shrubs, that will let us fight our way across, and at least take a look at that other life.  We may find that we want nothing to do with vaunted higher education, the golf circuit or cruises to Mexico, or that we never use the VCR we finally bought.  Or we may find new joy and meaning in life.  Either way, afterward, “if only” will no longer haunt us.

            Getting a project launched or obtaining some free time for ourselves will lessen our feelings of helplessness and frustration, while diminishing our depression and disillusionment.  In the long run, everyone benefits when someone else is no longer seething with rage and frustration.  Taking long-thwarted steps toward our own personal goals will make us more amiable and interesting, as well as give us a more charitable outlook toward life in general.

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 © 1985, 2002 Shirley Ann Parker. All rights reserved.

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